I had a really lighthearted post all set to go for today, a recipe for amazing cookies. Instead of baking the cookies, I ended up eating the cookie dough and trying to hold on. This past week has been really rough, there have been several horrible tragedies and as a mom I am really struggling to make sense of everything that is going on in our world. My first response when something awful happens is to just hide away and try to shield my children from it, I think all parents want to keep their children safe at all times. With so many horrible events, one right after the other, I completely turned in and haven’t left the house a whole lot in the past few days. Groceries have been delivered. Excuses have been made as to why I have skipped out on social events. My yoga pants have been in heavy rotation.
I don’t share this with many people but my daughter had a very scary birth. It was an unplanned homebirth and the 911 first responders didn’t arrive until she was about 7 minutes old. We are both very, very lucky to be here. That experience changed me in a lot of ways. I had really bad post partum depression and anxiety, it was extremely hard to leave the house. As time passed, it slowly got easier and easier but that underlying fear has never really gone away. Watching the news this week it has only reminded me that there will always be circumstances outside of my control and there is no way to ever guarantee that my loved ones will be safe 100% of the time. I really hate that feeling.
I’m trying really hard to push past the fear this week. The fear of the unknown. The fear of lack of control. The fear of sending my beautiful children out into this crazy world. It’s so hard, if I could wrap them both up in bubble wrap for the next 18 years I would in a heartbeat- but it would rob them of amazing life experiences. As I unplugged a bit this week, I took a step back and realized that horrible things happen every day but I can’t let the fear of the unknown rule my life. I’m taking a moment to take a deep breath and continue moving forward throughout the fear. My daughter went to school today. I went to the grocery store with my son. Tiny victories, but victories nonetheless. Tomorrow there will be more victories as I take a breath and try to push the fear aside so we can get back to some semblance of normal.